The Story Of Us

It is June 8th 1995 and you are being handed to me in a quiet labor and delivery room at St. Joseph Hospital in Wichita Kansas and as I look at your little cone shaped head, I am scared shitless (not just because I’m worried that your head will never be “normal shaped”) but mostly because I’m scared that I will never be the mom that you deserve. Love at first sight was something that I had romanticized about my entire life but had never experienced until that moment when they placed you into my arms…

It is August of 1995 and I drop you at the babysitter for the very first time and I'm crying so hard I cannot see as I drive off to school. But I am determined to not be another statistic of teen moms who never graduates high school or goes onto to college. I am determined and you are my motivation…

It is September 2nd 1995 and the day we officially and legally become a family! Most children only hear about and see pictures of the day their parents were married but you were there, experiencing it with us (and peeing through your diaper and on the best man during the ceremony). One thing you may not know is we planned on getting married BEFORE you were born but I got cold feet. And we postponed the wedding. But the day you were born and the precious moments that followed, seeing the way Dad loved  and cared for you removed any lingering doubt that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. All three of us had some growing up to do but we committed to God and each other that day that we would do it together…

It is a fall day in the 1995 and we are taking a big step in our spiritual journey. I made the decision to get baptized. It is also baby dedication day at First Baptist Church so freshly out of the baptism water, your dad and I stand before our church family and make a commitment to raise you in church and to one day hopefully lead you to a relationship with Jesus. I have finally surrendered my life to Christ, no more looking to the things of this world to fill a God shaped void in my heart. I am also surrendered to the fact that not only do I desperately need Jesus in my heart; I desperately need him to be able to raise and parent this precious gift He has given me in you…

It is May 1996 and I am graduating high school (yay we did it!) You were there for ALL the most important and life changing days of my life as I hope to be there for yours. People say my life ended the day I became a teen mom but I know that that’s when it really began. You gave me the motivation and desire for a new life...

It is February 1st 1998 and your stubborn and strong headed sister decided that she was ready to meet us (six weeks early). So back to St. Joseph hospital we go and as soon as she is placed in my arms, your dad brings you into the delivery room and we have a quiet precious moment just the four of us before she is whisked off to the NICU (which happens to become our home for the next 17 days).

It is February 18th 1998 and you are exploding with joy as your little sister comes home from the hospital. You insist on holding her (for the first time) the minute we walk in the door. You keep removing the little pink hat on her head so you can smoother her with kisses and keep repeating “oh my sweetie pie”. I know it may not seem like it now but she was your FIRST best friend!! You absolutely adored her. They say your siblings are the people who will be in your life the longest (outlasting your parents, spouse, and any friendship). Remember this and continue to treasure and protect her as the years go on…

It is summer 1998 and you officially become a pastor’s kid as Dad accepts his first job in youth ministry. Of course you LOVE the attention you get from all the youth groupies and ham it up every time they are around, even putting on performances that include singing and dancing in your underwear just to get some laughs. I guess the seeds of your becoming the “class clown” you are today were planted during those early years of youth ministry. You made people laugh everywhere you went and nothing about that has changed over the years…

It is fall 2001 and you're beaming with pride as you walk into the first day of Kindergarten at Benton Elementary. You insisted on a Rugrats backpack and light up tennis shoes despite the fashion faux pas I knew it create looking back on it now...

It is May 2002 and again you are forced to attend another boring graduation ceremony as I graduate from nursing school at Wichita State University (yay we did it again!) There were so many times, I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up because the sacrifice it required of US was too much. But I am so glad we stuck with it. Being your mom was always my ultimate calling but this nursing gig has sure provided for our growing family over the years...

It is August 2003 and you are playing flag football for the first time at the YMCA. Dad is your coach and Ashlyn and I are your biggest cheerleaders (not much has changed in that aspect over the years either). While this won’t come as crushing news to you, you didn’t inherit any tremendous talent or Olympian athlete genes from your dad and me. But your heart when you play sports makes up for what you may lack in talent. You have always been the kid on the sidelines getting his teammates pumped up or running out to high five the person that just made the big play. You were an encourager on and off the field from the beginning. Gosh I love that about you…

It is spring of 2003 and we are in the car driving home from school listening to the song “Big House” by Audio Adrenaline (one of your favorite songs at that time). This song prompts you to start an impromptu conversation about what heaven will be like. Right then and there you tell me that you want to invite Jesus in your heart. That night we talk about what being a follower of Christ looks like and what it means to make Him “boss” of your life. The next Sunday, it is youth Sunday at Westside Christian Church (where daddy is preaching that week where he is currently serving as youth pastor there) and you get baptized. I love and treasure the fact that some of our most important conversations have happened in the mundane commutes we shared over the years…

It is March 2005 and your dad and I just returned from going to Haiti for the first time. We tell you about this little boy we met there named Jimso and how he needs a family and a home. Without hesitation you are ready to become a big brother again even though it will mean a lot of sacrifice from all of us. The wait during the adoption process is exhausting and overwhelming at times but your excitement and joy never waivers. You later tell our neighbors with soooo much excitement “I’m not getting much for Christmas this year because my mom and dad are trying to buy me a brother instead!”

It is January 2007 and we are driving south on I-35 in a U-Haul loaded down with all we own. We just said good-bye to all our friends and family in Kansas and are starting a new chapter in our lives serving at Cherokee Hills Christian Church in Oklahoma City. Saying good-bye to your beloved Papa is what hurts the most. You have spent nearly every Friday night with him since you were born and even though we are only a short drive away, it seems like a world away on Friday nights…

It is September 19, 2007 and we are driving home from Will Rogers’s airport.  You are in the back seat with Ashlyn and your NEW brother Jimso and our hearts are literally bursting with joy. You beg to skip school the next day to stay home and play “machines” and “foutbòl” with him. His eyes glow when he is playing with his big “frè” (brother). Even though you just met, it’s like a missing piece of the puzzle that is our family is finally in its intended place...

It is April 2008 and our Jayhawks won a national championship ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK BABY! We are in Lawrence watching the game at Allen Fieldhouse. Oh what a night?!

It is December 2008 and you are crying in bedroom. You have just weeks prior gone on your first mission trip to Haiti and your heart is trying to digest all you saw and experienced there. You begin your relentless pursuit to convince me and your dad to adopt again. But this time, you want to adopt two. “But they are already my brothers!” you plead. We try to tell you all the reasons why what you are proposing is impossible. “They are too old, it will take too long and Haitian law clearly prohibits the adoption of children after a certain age, we don’t have the financial resources to fund TWO more adoption”, and our list went on and on. But your unwavering faith and tenacity wins out the end and we begin the process not knowing how God would provide...

It is March 2009 and we are walking through intense suffering and loss. Your beautiful baby cousin Hope Elizabeth Maus was born with a condition called “hypoplastic left heart syndrome.” After one successful surgery to correct the defect, we thought we were “out of the woods” and God was going to bring complete healing to her precious heart but that was not His plan. While still grieving the loss of Hope, we have to somehow say “goodbye” to the precious foster sister, Belle Belle that become like family to us. By deciding as a family to foster children in January 2007, we made a conscious and willful decision to get our hearts broken at some point. It was a privilege to get our hearts broken by “Belle Belle.”  In the midst of grief and heartache, we hunkered down clinging to each other and ever clinging to Jesus. That season taught us that grief does not CHANGE you but REVEALS you.

It is January 2010 and we are glued to the TV. Haiti has just endured a catastrophic earthquake. We are desperate to find out if your brothers are ok. Dad and Grandma B are able to get to Haiti within 48 hours and we can do at home is wait and pray for a country and a people we deeply love. Word finally comes that the boys are ok and then we find out that they temporarily are granting humanitarian parole visas for children currently in the adoption process. We frantically begin gathering the long list of needed documentation just in case by some miracle and twist of fate your brothers might be able to come home. Just days and several thousand miracles later, you are headed to Will Rogers airport to once again bring home your Haitian brother(s). God orchestrated a chain of events in the midst of great of tragedy and loss that would once again grew our little family...

It is June 2011 and the dust has just settled from the adoptions of Jedone and Jackson. This season was one of the most difficult seasons of our lives but God was faithful through every bump and roadblock along this journey and season. We are all craving “normal” and “peace” when God brings a little piece of sunshine into our home and hearts in the form of a baby foster sister named “Zoe”. She has the ability to light up a room with her smile and giggle and immediately has us ALL wrapped around her little finger but especially you. I look at the way you play with and care for her and my heart skips a beat because I KNOW you will one day be an AMAZING daddy…

It is August 2013 and you have your last “first day” of school. I am a blubbering crying mess as usual. And you are no longer a boy but a man. We spend every Friday night watching you (and the group of football players that have become like family to you) play your hearts out for the Bethany Bronchos. Oh gosh the season and year flies by in the blink of an eye and I desperately want to find the “pause” button...

It is April 2014 and you are stunningly handsome and grown up and on your way to the prom. Dad holds my hand as we take pictures of you and your friends. We BOTH cry when we get in the car because we are so proud of the person you have become. And can’t believe that you are weeks away from graduating...

It is today and I am about to watch you graduate from high school and I am wondering how it all passed by so quickly and I am wishing I could stop time...

“When they hand you a baby after you have performed miraculous feats of superhuman proportions to bring that little person into the world, they don't tell you about what is coming; the greater pain of letting them go. They don't tell you that those hours and hours of contractions and pushing are just the warm-up, eighteen years early, for the real pain.” Tara Livesay

It is today and I am thinking about your future and I am praying with all of my might that this world will be kind to you... It is today as I reflect on the “story of us” that I am overwhelmed again that God chose ME to be your mom.

It is today that I know with all my heart that it has been a privilege to love you the last 18 years!!!

Because you know how I love quoting cheesy song lyrics, I wanted to share with you my wish (my prayer) for you…

My Wish- Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it toMy wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

Nameless Faceless Babies

“Over one third of all Americans have considered adopting or fostering but less than two percent ever actually do.”  This statistic popped up on my Facebook feed earlier this week and I can NOT stop thinking about it. This statistic has haunted my heart all week. What prevents would be adoptive or foster parents from taking that step and moving into action? As a foster and adoptive mom, I can come up with a list a mile long of barriers that stand in the way. When God placed a call to adopt and foster upon our lives, I had my own personal and extensive list of excuses that I was prepared to rattle off to God every time I felt Him tug at my heart for the orphan. When you are “considering”, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the process and paperwork. Overwhelmed by the financial aspect. Overwhelmed by what people will think. Overwhelmed by the naysayers. Overwhelmed by an unseen future. Overwhelmed by the vastness of the need!!

I love the movement that I have seen within the church over the last decade to rise up and take to heart the commands about caring for the orphaned, widowed, and fatherless. The church has been caring for orphans for centuries but I think we just forgot about it for a minute.  The cross, in its reunification and redemption, is orphan and foster care at its best! But I wonder how many believers get stuck in the “considering” phase. It is easy admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. The great tragedy of the church is not that Christians do not care about the fatherless but that Christians do not KNOW the fatherless.

A fellow foster mom and dear friend of mine and I were lamenting the other day about how hard tempting it is to dishonor the confidentiality agreement we sign as foster parents. When you have the cutest child on the planet living in your home, you want to show them off (but you cannot share their precious faces or names or cute little corks on social media). You want this precious child to be known, not for selfish or vain motives, but because you are utterly convinced that if they were KNOWN the shelters would be empty and our homes would be full. If the public knew what a blessing it is to foster, if they looked into these babies beautiful brown eyes, if they held their chubby little hands, if they heard their precious little prayers the foster care crisis would not exist. If only they were not nameless faceless babies, if only they were KNOWN…

David Platt said it best when he said, “We learned that orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”

Disclaimer: I am not trying to guilt anyone into doing anything! Guilt is not a sustaining motivator. I will be the first to admit that not everyone can or should foster or adopt. But there are sooooo many other ways to love on orphans outside of opening your home to them.

I ask you, no I urge you, to watch this video. It's 12 minutes long and it presents the plight of many kids growing up in the foster care system. Children in your neighborhood, in your churches, in your child's classroom are living and breathing this "nightmare" that they consider "normal" life. They are removed from their home, their parents, the familiar in the middle of the night. They are separated from their siblings. The "lucky ones" get placed in a strangers home but many of them will be placed in a shelter. If there is no room at the local shelter (which all too often is the case), they get to spend the night sleeping in at DHS office and then possibly moved a shelter in another part of the state the next morning. They travel with whatever belongings they managed to grab in the rushed chaos when they were removed from their home. Their belongings are carried around in a trash bag (a trash bag!! what kind of message does that send to them about their value and worth? a trash bag for God's sake!). For the "lucky ones" placed in traditional foster homes rather the group homes, institutions, or shelters... statistics show that they will not be there long enough to become settled or create any sense of stability because the average child in foster care for greater than 18 months has three or MORE placements.

Many foster children enter a system in which further damage, trauma, and abuse are heaped upon their already wounded hearts. This is one of their stories...

Like a ostrich who buries their head in the sand, we can not pretend away the plight of the precious children growing up in the foster care system allowing them to remain nameless faceless babies anymore.  




Once our eyes are opened,
we can't pretend we don't know what to do.
God, who weighs our heart and keeps ours souls,
knows that we know and hold us responsible to act.
~Proverbs 24:12

I would do anything for love but I won't do THAT (guest post from my favorite preacher man and husband)

Today I walked for foster care awareness... With a new sense of clarity on what I will do for the foster care crisis in our state.

I will be a bridge for biological families! I will take lots of pictures so they don't miss a precious moment that they are apart. I will give them the macaroni art projects and the cutesy finger paintings that I wish were decorating my own refrigerator. I will hunt to find them the perfect mother's day or father's day card and gift so they special on that day and never underestimate or question their role as parents. I will  invite them into our home on holidays, birthdays, and whenever safely possible because I want to share life with them. I will NOT talk negatively about them EVER. I will NOT see them as the "enemy" but partners and sojourners in this journey to raise these precious children.

I will NOT pretend I don't know what I do know about the nearly 10000 Oklahoma children living in DHS custody. I will NOT act like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. 

I will memorize their faces. I will hear their stories. And I will share those stories until my voice can no longer shout their names.

As a pastor, I will preach the spiritual significance of orphan and foster care until I'm blue in the face.  I will not sugar coat the biblical mandate of caring for the fatherless and will not rest until the church grabs hold of our calling to do something.

I will ever be asking myself "what more can I do?" I will make room in my house and my heart for "just one more" if it means there will be one less child sleeping at the shelter tonight. 

I will be deemed foolish by friends and family for opening my home to just one more. They will think its not fair to MY own children but I will believe that I am showing them a true picture of the gospel lived out in our living room.

I will hold their chubby little hands. I will cheer ridiculously  loud at their soccer games. I will play make believe, pretty pretty princess, and dress up. I will make sure that a night does not go by while they are living under my roof that they are not tucked into bed and told repeatedly how loved they are.

I will make my life uncomfortable so that they will not be. I will sacrifice time, money, resources, vacations, sleep, and go without so they don't have to.

But most of all and because I love them with my entire heart and soul not withholding anything back.... I WILL BE WILLING to know the heartbreak of goodbyes because every child deserves to have someone who is willing to get their heart broken for them.

What WILL you do?

Happy Birthday!

In keeping with tradition and within our budget, to celebrate my amazing husband's 36th birthday I would like to share just 36 of the things that make him amazing to me!!

Drum roll please... (in no particular order):

1. He has more faith, courage and boldness in his little pinky than most people have in their entire bodies (myself included)!

2. He is the hardest worker I know. And even though I sometimes complain about the way he never stops working, it also makes me very proud that he is so dedicated to providing for our family and further God's kingdom

3. He inspires me and others to want to be a better person and not to waste our lives but make the most of every opportunity God placing before you

4. He can make me laugh so I hard I cry even when I am determined to be in a bad mood

5. He is man's man who is also not ashamed to cry about things he really passionate about

6. He can honestly say that no one's opinion of him matters other that God's and he is not afraid to live his life that pleasing one

7. He occasionally cooks dinner and even cleans the kitchen after wards. He makes amazing enchilada soup, chili, pancakes (not in Haiti), spaghetti, and he has mad grilling skills

8. He is VERY transparent with people and will be the first to admit his weaknesses, apologize when he has done something wrong, and take ownership for his actions and past mistakes

9. When he sets a goal for himself, he will go to great lengths to accomplish it and is so determined it's scary

10. When I first became a Christian, I was terrified about the parts of the Bible that ask women to be submissive of their husbands. But the way that he unconditionally and unselfishly loves me makes submitting to him just a natural overflow and reaction to that kind of love

11. He has such a servants' heart in so many ways.... which is one of the qualities that makes him an awesome leader

12. He laughs and smiles a lot... and the extra wrinkles of his face just prove that.

13. He loves our daughters in such a way that will require any prospective husband to have big shoes to fill and a high standard to live up to

14. He does pretty much all the laundry... really he does. I hate laundry and he has just always done it

15. He rarely complains about anything and lives out Philippians 4:12 in a way that amazes me

16. He has changed more poopy diapers and given more bedtime baths than any man I know

17. He would give away the shirt off his back and our last penny in the bank if a friend needed it (and he has). He uses everything that God has given us to bless other people (our house, car, education, resources etc..)

18. He always see's the glass as half full

19. He forces me to try new things and get out of my comfort zone and I love him for that

20. He has no desire to "keep up the Jones" and refuses to let our family become another causality of the American Dream

21. He is the most amazing Dad to our children and any other children God places in our life that need a daddy.

22. He has the ability to see hurting people, find out what they need, and then bend over backwards to make sure that need is met

23. He truly believes that "anything is possible" and and always encourages and challenges the people around to do more "big" and "impossible" things

24. He has never met a stranger and when he talks to you has an uncanny ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room

25. He is very protective of his family and God's church

26. He see's the injustice of the world and wants to BE the change

27. He chooses to be a blessing even when cursing would be so much easier

28. He is always a student... doesn't think he knows it all, has everything figured out, or has arrived

29. He has overcome a lot of really difficult obstacles in life and learned from every one of them

30. He has forgiven some the most "unforgivable" people and loves some the most "unloveable" people

31. He will die long before his convictions about certain things do

32. He's smokin hot!!!

33. He fights FOR not with his family! His knees are bruised and broken (literally) from the way he battles for us in prayer.

34. He has the amazing ability to speak the truth in love and can call me on my crap

35. I have had the blessing of being married to him for more than half of my life at this point. And the thought of growing old with him makes the thought of growing old not so scary

36. He is not a quitter! He doesn't give up on me, our, marriage, our children, or anything

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!

Lately....

What I Want You to Know About Being Disabled(or living with chronic pain)

Today has been a rock bottom place for me. There is this adorable little girl dressed up as the cutest Minnie Mouse and I have begged God for weeks that today would be a "good" day and I could take her trick or treating for the first time in her life... But today I'm stuck in bed, on medication that makes me sleep, and trying to find beauty even on the ugly days.

Many of you know that my back/ spinal injury has caused my health to be up and down since I fractured several vertebrae back in 2006. Two spinal fusions, three operations, numerous epidural injections, countless physical therapy sessions, 2 pricey TENS units, hours and hours of massage therapy, and lots and lots of prayers has brought to a place right now where my bad days outweigh my good ones. Where hopelessness has unfortunately taken root and I'm literally holding on and claiming the promises of God because that is all I have.

So why write a depressing post? Believe me the last thing I desire is your pity or to be THAT negative person but what I do desire is to be UNDERSTOOD. 

I want my kids to know when you look up in the bleachers at your football game and I' m not sitting next to your dad, there is NO place I'd rather be than cheering you on (because I am and always will be the biggest cheerleader in you life both on and off the field). I want you to I miss being your taxi driver, because if I could get those dang head phone outta your ears, we always have the BEST conversations in the car. 

I want my baby to know it breaks my heart to not be playing on the floor with you (building blocks and crashing them down, playing with your little people farm, playing babies or having tea parties with you)! It rips my heart to shreds that when you come home from your day with daddy that you run into our bedroom "Mommy! Mommy!" because you know that is where I'll be. It also hurts more than I could have ever imagined when I have to shut my door because we can't play right now, and you wiggle the knob/ bang on the crying for me, shouting "MOMMY!", holding whatever baby or toy you've brought us to do (seriously THAT is the hands down hardest part). 

I want my husband who fasts and prays and picks up the slack that "appreciation" doesn't describe what I feel!! That I'm sorry when I lash out in anger and I'd give anything to have our lives back.

I want my best friends to know that every time I can't follow through with a lunch date or a promise to babysit your kids, IT KILLS ME! I want you to know we would love to have dinner, a coffee date,  or my personal fav a game night but "good days" are usually spent loving my kids first and foremost. I want you to know whether it's been weeks/ months/ or years since we hung out I love you dearly. True friends can pick up right where they left off no matter how long it's been since you've seen them (we just have more to talk about to catch up). I need my friends more than I ever have before and yet they are because of my inability to "do stuff" are more distant than before.

I want my church and the people who I minister to that parts of my soul feels deadened because I can't do what I love, be as connected in your lives as I want, and serve to my greatest potential in the role as pastor's wife right now. Truth be told, I cringe when people ask how I'm feeling because telling the truth makes me feel like a Debbie Downer or Negative Nelly... That's not who I am naturally so avoid the question or put a positive spin on it when I can.

I want my nursing students to know I miss them like crazy. They have all the potential in the world to make amazing RN's and I will be there to see them walk across that stage receive their diploma and pin them! (I also miss my paycheck but God is teaching us dependence on Him like NEVER before)

My family, my friends, my church family deserve more than I can give in this current season.  

Jake and I have always embraced a transparency in our ministry and we will never ascribe to a fake it til we make way of doing "church" .... 

So I have to confess that right now I feel like an epic failure and like I'm constantly disappointing people and not being faithful to my commitments. I have never struggled with depression and hopeless like this but part of my healing means bringing into light that which has been in darkness.

I believe that there is a spiritual element too to it all. The enemy wants to make me ineffective and unable to accomplish what God has for me. 

All this to say.... God is faithful and we are already praising Him for the healing that we know is coming. We are fighting to get our life back. Please in the meantime, be praying for our family and be patient with us and the "new normal" we are trying to adapt to!

Where else do you get court side seats to see lives changed?!?!?!

I know I've said it a hundred times but after investing decades into youth ministry... It make my heart burst to see former students live their faith out loud in adult life!! Right now several of them are training to be missionaries, some are at bible college training to into vocational ministry. One of previous young ladies is a senior literally counting down the days until MCC's move in day. She is oozing excitement about the next chapter in life!!

What started out as an Instagram comment on a picture of her standing behind a pulpit... Turned into this blog post because the last thing I am is brief and to the point when it comes to writing. Who knew that there were word limits on the comment posts?!

So here is my advice to her, to other soon to be bible school grads about to begin their careers, or even those currently in vocational ministry but in a funk! This is my Instagram completely unsolicited advice column/ post: 

1. It's not "my" pulpit, your pulpit, or anyone else's but God's. God loves his beautiful bride the church, regardless of who is the pastor, elders, etc... God's the head, foundation and the center of the church and everything in it.

2. If He gifts and chooses you to share the word, understand the immerse privilege and responsibility of that always. Don't take it lightly, you may he the only 'Jesus' some will ever hear or see. 

3. Those in full time ministry have great influence. That puts a huge bulls eye target on your back. The enemy wants YOU because if he get you to stumble and fall so will those you are influencing. 

Vocational ministry is hard, exhausting, can leave you typing resignation letters that never get sent. But it is the most amazing "job" you will ever have (we would work for free shhh don't tell the elders).... 

Where else do you get court side seats to see lives changed?!?!?! 

4. "You can not give what you don't possess".... In other words, if your own relationship with Jesus isn't on fire/ thriving/ growing, you can not FAKE it on the stage or your platform. No depth in your relationship with God= no depth to your teaching.  

Get fired up on stage, yell when you need, cry when you need to... Not to force emotional decisions but to show you're not afraid to be PASSIONATE

5. Teach genuinely and with vulnerability out of the well spring of your own current walk. Everything you experience is a sermon illustration waiting to happen. (Once you have a family get their permission FIRST before using an embarrassing story about them for your sermon illustration)

Speaking of having families and being in ministry... remember they are FIRST. God will hold you accountable for how you led them. You are the ONLY mommy, daddy, husband , or wife that you loved one has. Love them. Don't make them a make priority make them THE priority! 

"No one's opinion of me matters, if my children do not think I am genuine, no amount of success in ministry will make up for my failure at home."

"My desire is that the people who know me the best respect me the most."

 6. Gods word is alive and active! You don't need awesome programs or flashy entertainment to bling out the story of Jesus. The gospel stands alone, no fluff needed. 

7. Preach with complete humility. One the most passionate preachers /teachers I know will not take to stage/ platform/ step up to the pulpit without falling to their knees FIRST (begging God to show up and show off because if He doesn't we all might as well go home). Spend as much time (OR MORE) praying about your lesson or message as you do preparing for it!

 "As a Christian minister, I have no right to preach to people I have not prayed for." (A.W. Tozer)”

8. You are just the vessel or the messager. The message is always the same even though of methods of delivering that message might change.

9. Be ever in tune with the holy spirit. Let it be Gods words, not your own. His agenda, not your own. You will fail (maybe even bomb) a lesson or two but God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Hang in there.

10. The best lessons/ sermons are CAUGHT not TAUGHT! People will more about who God by watching you rather than listening to you! Is your life radically different than those around you because you have been CHANGED by the love of Christ?

I'm been a pastors wife for almost 15 years... Have heard more messages than I can count. And I can name less than a dozen that really stood out to me. That's not because I'm sitting under forgettable mediocre teaching....

IT'S BECAUSE  PEOPLE FORGET WHAT YOU SAY BUT NEVER FORGET HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL!!!

      

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Love well! God has big plans and I'm so blessed to see them fulfilled! Keep you're eyes on the prize!

"Make the most of every moment"

For the last 17 months I have had the absolute honor of parenting and being "mommy" to one the most amazing human beings on the planets. Since the day we said "yes" and the case worker brought her into our homes (most importantly our hearts) one late Friday night in June, I can not count the ways she has made our lives so blessed.

From day one she has been a constant source of sunshine and joy  (even as we quickly approach the infamous "terrible twos").

People talk about people who have this illusive smile that magically lights up any room in which that person walks into. Before I met her, I thought that it was some cheesy cliche people use to describe overly happy people.... Now I know better.

She has a smile that melts hearts of stone and makes women's uterus' leap. It is physically impossible to be in her presence and be in a bad mood! IMPOSSIBLE! Her laughter is the sweetest sound I have ever heard and when she says "mommy" my heart physically with swells with so much pride and love, it could physically burst! Needless to say I'm beyond smitten and completely head over heels with this precious baby girl.

 I guess I'm a lot like most mommies... I think the sun rises and sets in my daughters eyes. I have an indescribable bond and connection that words fall short in explaining the depth of my love.

But unlike other mommies, I daily live with the reality that although God has called me to be her "mommy" for a season that forever and ever probably isn't in our cards. Unless something unexpected happens, I will not be there to hold her hand as she starts her first day of kindergarten. I will not seen her hit her first home run, rock her ballet and hip hop dance classes, see her giddy with her first school girl crush, dry her tears when she gets her first broken heart, prom dress shop with her, see her walk across the stage to receive her high school  and college diplomas, visit colleges with her, or even see her walk down the aisle as the beautiful bride I know she will be as she marries the Godly man I have praying for since the day she stole me heart.

I am a foster mom. Although if you were to open my heart, you would see no difference in the amount of unconditional love I hold for her or my other children (both adopted and biological).

Daily I am reminded that tomorrow is not guaranteed! DAILY!

This reminder drives me to live in the moment. Cherish each precious moment I have. Smell her, lots!!! Memorize her beautiful face and the sound of her giggles and the way she says "mommy"! Watch her sleep (goes back to the memorize her face). Put off "things" to create memories. When she asks me to read the same book that we've already read 36 times today, read it again. Blow bubbles (even inside on rainy days). Forget the mess. Sing. Sing. Sing. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray. Go to the park. Look at rocks, flowers, and bugs. Play in the dirt. Paint her toenails. Teach her the importance of shoes. Talk about Jesus as much as I can. Love her tummy mommy (biological mommy). Watch "yo gabba gabba" and  "tangled" as many times as she wants to. Ignore well meaning people who tell me to let her "cry it out" at bedtime and not rock her to sleep. Kiss her more times than humanly possible to count. Whisper "I love you" in her ear all day long. And pray that even when I am distant memory she will KNOW to the core of her being that she has value and is loved more than she can ever fathom.

 Experience and heart break as a foster mom painfully reminds me that one day my lap will be empty (as will some places in my heart). One day I would give anything to watch "Tangled" one more time with my baby girl cuddled up on my lap. Whether its because you are a foster mom, due to unexpected loss/ death, or an unforeseen medical hardship around the corner.... Life is lived best when we are ever mindful that each day, each moment, is a gift!!! Unwrap every beautiful one you've been given... Before its too late.


 In the wise words of Ferris Buehler, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."




Tick tock hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late
Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness I guess I just forget
To do all the things I said
Time passes by
Never thought I'd wind up
One step behind
Now I've made my mind up

Today I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
 'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
 Today I'm gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
 Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late
One day too late

Tick tock hear my life pass by
I can't erase and I can't rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do...
Wish I'd spent more time with you
 Here's my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
And in the end I'll make it up to you, you'll see
You'll get the very best of me
Your time is running out
You're never gonna get it back
 Make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last

things I've learned lately

One would think after being a foster/ adoptive mom for over 7 years that I would be a veteran and that my heart would have certain truths engrained on my heart by now. But every placement is different. Every family is different. Every day is different. God continues to teach me so much about loving people and loving Himself on this journey. I continue to make mistakes, take on more than I can handle, spend nights crying for the brokenness of our system (and our world), and yet there is nothing more I'd rather be doing.

Ive heard it said that “The two most important days of your life are the day you that were born and the day that you find out WHY." THIS is my WHY. Being a mommy to my foster babies, adopted children, and even my home grown biological children is IT.

Here are some of the other things I've learned lately:

~ Hands down the hardest prayer to pray HAS to be for God's will to be done EVEN IF IT MEANS.....(fill in blank). There have been more nights than I can count lately that I've cried rocking a certain someone to sleep and praying for the unknown future ahead of this precious girl that has been such a HUGE blessing to us since the day she came into our home over a year ago. There are decisions being made about her future that I have no control over. But I've learned that "I don't have to worry about WHAT will happen when I know WHO is in control."

~ "God is bigger than the pain I might suffer in loving a child and then having to return that child to a mom/dad who has successfully reunified.” There are lots of things in this world that can leave us broken-hearted. There isn't a more worthy cause this ... loving a foster child as my own ♥

~ There's a huge difference between knowing ABOUT God and knowing Him... To risk and know Him is to willingly place your life in the hands of an unseen God and an unknown future, then watch Him come through. He starts to get real and you start to KNOW Him when you live like that!

~ We care for orphans not to earn favor with God..but as a natural outflow of the favor we have with God through Jesus.

~ When Jesus said that whole "love your enemies" thing, I think he REALLY meant it. Trying to LOVE someone you don't really LIKE is very difficult. Start with praying for them... it's impossible to hate someone you are praying for you. "Look into the eyes of the person most difficult for you to LIKE and see the one you LOVE."

~ "No" is a complete sentence and my people pleasing self needs to say it more. We are too busy. But when I evaluate our busyness, I can separate into two categories (related to my calling or not) to determine if it is worthy of our time. I think being busy isn't bad if a large part your " busyness" can be contributed or traced back to your calling! I am first and foremost called to be a follower of Christ(love God, love people) then wife /help mate to my husband, and then mom to my children and foster children, then ministry/work. My time, energy, focus, and resource delegation should reflect those priorities. "Servicing God and convenience often don't go hand in hand. Sometimes I think God smiles when our plate is already too full of so many things we call important - things that tie us to busyness and leave us little freedom to fulfill our calling, purpose, and destiny."

Well there it is.... the most random hodgepodge of a blog post I ever wrote. But it is characteristically perfect for the current season of my life (where thoughts are swirling, things are crazy and changing, but God is constant).

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity, sweet Jesus Christ my clarity...

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it!

There are days that I wish I could live naively comfortable again... Days when I wish my eyes had not been opened to the injustices that surround us, before the faces of poverty were burned on my brain, and before one orphan had ever sat in my lap/ held my hand/ nor wrapped their tiny arms around my neck.

Instead of pursing the American dream that  I once thought would bring  "satisfaction"... I'm haunted at night. I wonder if I'm doing enough. In a world "well done" always triumphs "well said"! Can I be doing more? 

 I find myself praying for bigger vehicle/ transportation and a bigger home so that there might be "one less" child going to sleep tonight without a momma to tuck them into bed. One thing I've learned is there is always enough love. But is love really all you need?

And is it true what mother Teresa said "How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T1SSUJ93hU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

“Once our eyes are opened, we can’t pretend we don’t know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows that we know and holds us responsible to act…” Proverbs 24:12

"that's what mother T said"

With six kids and extremely "busy" and difficult season due to various health issues in our lives... My blog has pretty much fallen into the stack of good things but not important right now. Almost every blog lately has somehow turned into a version of "that's what she said" but I'm ok with that because #1. It means I'm still reading and nourishing my souls and #2. Putting together a comprehensible yet alone inspiring thought right now just isn't in my immediate future nor on my priority list. So here comes yet another plagiarized installment of "that's what she said..." enjoy!


"People who really want to make a difference in the world do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold unshakable convictions that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they are satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they transform cities and nations, and yes, the world." ~Kisses From Katie

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."

"We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do."

“We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” ~mother Teresa

I have a dream of a church....

"I have a dream of a church that is once again called great, even by our skeptics, because our works of mercy can not be denied. I want no part in a movement that is deemed great because we've adopted some exceptional qualities admired by the top.

I don't want to be admired for a great band.

I don't want to be recognized for a great marketing campaign.

I don't want to be praised for great programs.

I don't want to be applauded for great theology and scholarship.

I want the church to be great because we fed hungry momma's and their babies. I'd like to be great because we battled poverty not just with our money but our hands and hearts. I desire greatness that comes from not just seeking mercy but for justice for those caught in a system with trapdoors. I hope to be a part of a great movement of the holy spirit, who injects supernatural wind and fire into His mission. My version of great will come when others are scratching their heads and saying, "wow, you live a really different life." " ~ Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted 

"for he who is least among you all- he is the greatest." - Luke 9:48

Love this sermon from a couple of weeks ago... Watch the end when Jake casts a vision for his dream for THE church

http://vimeo.com/m/35480073

Our song to "little miss sunshine": all of me by Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

That's what she said... "All of me"

The last week, there is a song I have found that has spoken volumes to my fears about fostering again and yet the reality of loving this precious baby "little miss sunshine" as if she were flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. I have played the song continuosly on repeat and wept over what the lyrics mean to me at this present season of our lives. Please take a moment to listen to this powerful song and hear the lyrics before reading on:



Today's version of "that's what she said" is a hodgepodge of quotes and blogs that comes from a couple different sources (a fellow foster mom's blog I follow and a foster mom's memoir I just finished reading reading titled "The Middle Mom"). Both resonate within me so much. Both are as if the orginal authors opened my chest, read my heart, and articulated that which I could not! Hope you are as blessed as I reading these words....

Lessons From "The Middle Mom"

"if not you, who? If not now, when?"

"when people find put that I am a foster parent, they inevitably say 'I could never do that! I'd want to keep every single one. Don't you get attached?' I know they are well meaning but I must admit it kinda drives me crazy. I want to say 'no duh!' but instead comeback with a more gracious statement like this 'yes it is extremely difficult to let a child go that you have loved and cared for, but the lord has shown me that that is EXACTLY the person that needs to be caring for these misplaced children. If I could separate myself from loving and attaching to the child and just feel like I'm babysitting rather than being a real mother, God would have never called me to do this. So maybe YOU are actually the perfect person to be a foster parent!'"


On communities of foster/ adoptive parents:

"we carry each other. We carry each other through the joys, the craziness, the profound sorrow that is foster care. No one understands me like they do because they have lived it. They know me well. They know I take on more than I can handle sometimes, and often, it's not pretty. They know I love to shop for baby clothes. They know I'm passionate about my family, my ministry, and about foster children specifically. Together they form a live boat that has carried me home safely many times. I love them dearly and am so grateful that we are sharing this journey together."

"I feel strongly as believers it is not necessarily our job to fix or change the broken system (DHS, SRS, CPS). It is our job to serve and love the children and the workers within that system to make a difference in their lives because Jesus made a difference in our lives. I guess what I am trying to say is that a broken system is no excuse, no reason, to neglect intervening on a child's behalf; it only makes God's provision for that child so much sweeter."

"this is what I was born to do! It is unbelievable to think that the Lord would choose to use me, someone who is so fallible, inadequate, and unworthy, to care for these children that He holds so dearly.

I have been overwhelmed with love, joy and excitement, and been flung down with grief. I have been amazed at the support of those around me and been astounded at the prejudice that still exists in the world today. I have watched my own children nurture, comfort, fall in love with,and pray for each little child that is "ours" for a time. I have realized my weaknesses and the Lords strength.

I know that there are many sacrifices in foster care that come in various forms. There is lack of sleep, lack of quality family time, lack of intimate time with my husband, lack of time for myself. There are friends functions we can not attend.

And finally there is the unexplainable grief, the deep feeling of loss, the death of a relationship and the worries that accompany the grief. Will this child be safe? Feed? Have clothes to wear? Be loved and protected? Achieve their God given potential? Know that God loves him/her? Come to know Jesus? Will this child ever know how much I love him/her? In the midst of all these questions comes the penetrating truth that God is in control. He is able. He has a plan and is sufficient!"






From http://mamafoster.blogspot.com/2012/01/continuous.html

"I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't give them back."

I hear that VERY often when I tell anyone I am a foster parent.

It is like, by saying that, they are excusing themselves from the feelings that they feel when they find out someone else stepped up and did this sucky foster care thing and they didn't.

Obviously, fostering is not for everyone or right for everyone...

BUT to all you people that say this to me, with out any honest good reason,

(like you have already lost a child, have been there and done it with a relative placement, are having issues with fertility, ect.)


I just have to say...Shut up.

You have no idea who you are talking to, what I have been through or what you are even saying.

Do you think I felt like I could give my first daughter back to her mom without dealing with the grief of it every day for the rest of my life?

I can't do it either. I just do because it is either do it or go to jail basically.

What you don't understand is that I knew the risk and decided that my kids would be worth it. Period.

And they have been. Every single one of them.

What you don't realize is that by me deciding to take care of these kids and love them like my own even though in the end I am the one that looses them I am taking every bit of pain off of them that I can and even then they still go through more than any child should. Ever.

That is what I have to offer them. I keep them safe. I stand up for them (even though I am ignored on a regular basis). I feed them. I play with them. I make them smile. I kiss their boo boos. I put them in their comfy beds. AND IT IS MY HONOR TO DO IT.

And what do you offer? Nothing. You offer an off hand comment that excuses you from any of this, including helping any of them, because you would "love them to much to let them go"? And for the record, that makes us feel like you are saying we are so cold and heartless that we can actually even do this in the first place.

So, "you love them so much" from afar while they end up in crappy foster homes who only do it for the money.

Way to show your love.

If you can't foster, don't.

But, if you are the "We couldn't let them go" people...consider helping someone who HAS put themselves right where you DON'T want to be.

Pay special attention to the kids when you see them.

Babysit for the family.

Offer to pray AND REALLY DO IT!

Bring a meal when the family gets a new placement.

Help with the kids when you see foster mom has her hands full.


I would say for every comment I get like that I also have one person in my life that doesn't foster, but truly loves my kids and blesses me like crazy. I don't think everyone should foster and I don't think ANYONE should foster out of guilt, but quit making excuses for yourself and just do what God called YOU to do...and stop talking to me about why you couldn't possible do what I do...'cuz it makes me want to tell you to "shut up".