Seattle sunshine while saying good-bye to Baby Hope

Just wanted to post some pictures from our time in Washington for Hope's Memorial Service... last summer when we visited it was cloudy and rainy everyday (we didn't even get the opportunity to see the mountains once) but incredibly it was sunny EVERYDAY this time :-) I'd like to think of it as just one more blessing from our precious baby Hope!

"About Midnight" moments in life

I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions this last two weeks. My heart has physically hurt with heart break, I have cried until I was numb and yet there have been moments of laughing so hard with my family that I couldn’t even speak, much less breathe. I have been amazed at the capacity of the human heart to love and let go, submit and surrender to God’s sovereignty, and forgive and give grace freely.

I have spent the last several months studying the book of Esther through a study by Beth Moore called “Esther- its tough being a woman”. About a week before baby Hope passed away, one of the day’s homework dealt with fear and in particular what we feared most. Beth encouraged those doing the study to safe to voice our worst nightmare to God and to trust Him. Not necessarily trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most but to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare becomes reality. We were asked to fill in the blank with our great fear. If (insert greatest fear ) then God’s going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me. Without even thinking, I filled in the blank with one of my biggest fears… losing someone I love. Little did I know, that one of my biggest fears was about to fall into my path. (After talking to a few others doing the study that also had their worst fears realized after doing that activity, I strongly suggest Beth Moore place a disclaimer on that day’s homework warning that if you may indeed be tested in this…) But over the last few weeks, as we have said goodbye to our precious 21 day old niece, God has been faithfully and proven that He will take care of us, He has a plan, desires/ purposes to accomplish something monumental in us, and He has definitely demonstrated His sufficiency even in the midst of severe suffering.

As much as I cherish God’s word, there are parts of the bible that really just annoy the crap out of me at times. I never fully understood how James could honestly say “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2-3) I have never been at the place in my faith journey where I can honestly say that I would welcome trials, testing, or suffering. Hindsight I can usually admit that what it developed within me made the suffering worth it. But I can’t say I am at the place in my life where I welcome testing and suffering with joy…. And yet the bible is full of examples of people who responded to suffering with joy and praise. I have always been amazed at a passage in Acts 16, where the apostle Paul had been stripped, beaten, flogged, and thrown in prison. Yet in the face of severe suffering (deeper than any I have ever known or probably will ever know), his response was one of PRAISE.

“They brought them before the magistrates and said, "These men are Jews, and are throwing our city into an uproar by advocating customs unlawful for us Romans to accept or practice." The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.”


Reading those passages many times, I have always wondered “really? Who does that? Who in their right mind can be in the midst of suffering singing praise?” The night before Hope’s memorial service I saw a living example of that kind of praise filled response to human suffering. My brother had asked two worship leaders to lead us in some worship songs at Hope’s service. These guys (both ironically serving as worship leaders at churches in Wichita named HOPE) had never met so Aaron invited them over to his apartment to meet each other, pick out songs, and practice the night before the service. And for literally HOURS, these guys sat in Aaron’s living room just singing praise to the God who had given us baby Hope and who had also chosen to take her away from us. And there was my little brother who was about to lay to rest his precious baby girl, just SINGING HIS HEART OUT!!! We were working on the final arrangements/details for the memorial service (ironing clothes, writing the Eulogy, putting the finishing touches on Hope’s shadow box and painting) and our background noise was heart filled worship from a hurting father about to say good-bye to infant daughter. When most parents would be questioning God or just grieve stricken, my brother chose to instead respond with praise to our good God, which was eerily similar to Paul’s response in Acts. I have never been MORE proud of someone than I am of my brother right now.That night before Hope’s service, I literally feel asleep ABOUT MIDNIGHT listening to several Godly men PRAYING AND SINGING HYMNS TO GOD! That night, I slept like a baby for the first night in over a week and I will cherish that night for the rest of my life.

“About Midnight” lyrics~ Sarah Kelly
At about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name
I need you beside me
Through these seasons of change

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today

Seasons come and they go
Seasons come and they go like the night
Because you are with me
Things will turn out alright

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Yes I know that you're with me now

I don't understand this path I'm on
Like I'm looking down at the sun
All turned around again
All turned around again

At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song

So at about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name


I love Easter and being reminded at this time of the year of the resurrection power of our God!! In Philippians 3:10 Paul says, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death“ I think most believers (myself included) are all about taping into the power of the resurrection yet none of us REALLY want to sign up to share in the suffering. But as someone who has been living in a season of suffering the last few weeks, I can honestly say that there is great joy, contentment, and even fellowship filled moments of belly laughs in the “about midnight” moments of life!!

Eulogy from Hope's Memorial Service

• Entered our world on March 1 2009 at 3:57am. Entered heaven March 22 at 7:10pm (the dash on a tombstone represents the life lived by that person). Hope’s dash lasted a short 21 days but she impacted the world more in just 21 days than most people do in an entire lifetime!!

• Throughout Hope’s journey she has referred to as our “warrior princess” and that is EXACTLY what this little girl was, she was a warrior princess! A warrior is defined as one who is engaged or experiencing a battle. Hope and her precious parents were in a battle from the time of Hope’s diagnosis until she went to be Jesus. They lived 24/7 in the most intense battle of their lives for her life for the last two months. I CAN NOT EXPRESS HOW PROUD I AM OF THEIR EFFORTS AND THE WAY THEY FOUGHT THIS BATTLE WITH SO MUCH GRACE, SO MUCH COURAGE, AND SO MUCH FAITH! Aaron is the baby of our family and he takes a lot of teasing as the baby, but he demonstrated more strength and more steadiness than any man or Daddy in his shoes could ever. Throughout the process, our family stayed in close contact through phone calls and such. And after each phone call, we all were blown away at Aaron and Sara’s strength. We would call them hoping to encourage and build them up and hang up being completely humbled because usually they were the ones encouraging us instead!

•When one loses a spouse, they are called a widow or widower. When one loses a parent, they are called an orphan. But there are no words to describe the grief of losing a child. Unfortunately this is not the first infant our family has buried long before we felt it was their time leave. Part of the grief we feel as Aaron and Sara’s family and friends is the loss of what might have been though Hope’s life. Knowing what amazing and beautiful people Aaron and Sara are, Hope was destined to be do great things but God had other plans and He REALLY used her short 21 days on earth to minster to her world in ways that will last lifetimes.

• But although baby Hope has left us, Hope has not left us. Hope is defined as a confident expectation. Those who are believers in Jesus and the power of the promise of the cross, we grieve differently than the rest of the world… simply on the foundation of Hope in the promise of the cross and the promise of a faithful God who has told us that one day we will be reunited with Him and our lost loved ones.

• The day after Hope passed away, I had a long conversation with Aaron and he was so full of Hope it amazed me. We talked about Jesus the night before his death (Jesus prayer). When Aaron and Sara received Hope’s diagnoses, they were determined not to let her illness be in vain. They wanted God’s glory is to be on display in Hope’s life. I was 100% confident in that the fact that God knew how many curly brown hairs were on Hope’s head and that He knew how to fix her heart and He was going to bring complete healing. We all wanted God’s glory to be displayed through healing Hope’s heart! Yet God choose to reveal his glory not in her healing but in her death and we are ok with that!

• As we learned about Hope’s death, we eventually came to a place of submission. Although the end result wasn’t what we asked for and planned, God’s fingerprints and faithfulness were all over this entire journey!! From the way, he provided for Aaron and Sara’s needs at every juncture on this journey to the way in which He brought us comfort and peace in the midst of walking thru the valley of the shadow of death. God’s glory has been on display throughout the entire story of Hope Elizabeth Maus life and even in her death.

• Shortly after Hope condition was diagnosis, Aaron had a dream one night with Jonah playing and dancing with his sister Hope…. I thought we would see that dream become reality on this side of heaven but I was wrong! We will see the two of them together dancing one day; we are going to have to wait just a little longer than we expected.

• I know many of the family were not able to meet Hope in person but that the fact they never met her doesn’t reflect the amount of love and affection they held for this precious baby. I know in the first few days after Hope’s passing, we struggled with the fact she just wanted one opportunity to hold her. Hope had two loving aunts, three uncles, and LOTS of great aunts and uncles and cousins who loved her to pieces! One of my favorite things about being an aunt is the ability to hold and cuddle our nephews and then hand them over to mom when they get fussy or tired. One of my favorite things about being an uncle is our ability to spoil the crap out of them, get them loud and obnoxious toys, and then send them home to Mom and Dad when the party is over. In some ways, as family is natural to feel cheated out of those fun family moments. But even though we were not able to hold Hope on this side of heaven, we have assurance that one day we will and we can eagerly look forward to that precious day!

• In that phone call with Aaron the day after Hope’s passing, we always talked about the concept of time to us. (2 Peter 3:8). I am thankful that the God we serve is SO BIG that He can not be bound by time as know it. Today we grieve because we didn’t feel like we had enough time with Hope. But as believers in eternal salvation, we KNOW that we will spend eternity with her and that our time here on earth WITHOUT her doesn’t even compare to the amount of time we will spend WITH her in eternity! When we lose a loved one, its human nature to want to question God and ask “WHY?!” “Aaron and Sara love you with their entire beings God, why would you choose not to heal their innocent precious baby? How can a loving God allow suffering?” But I have not heard Aaron and Sara ask God “why” once! Psalm 115:3 says “Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.” So today or tomorrow or next month, if you feel surrounded by grief and want to question God…Remember the answer to our questions of why is ALWAYS simply this: because He’s God and we are not! His ways and his thoughts and plans are always higher and better than ours. This question remains.. “can you worship a God who isn’t obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be our arrogance that makes us think God owes us an explanation?” Aaron and Sara love and serve a God that is so big and so great, our puny little brains can’t understand him at times and we only limit God when we insist on making Him small enough for us to understand.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Hope Endures

with a fragile heart this hope was born
and then one night our hearts were torn
the miracle of a normal life
would be worth the days and sleepless nights

rise up and walk? take on eagle's wings?
through Chirst can we truly do all things?
when hearts are broken by realized fears
promises blur through a veil of tears

were prayers unanswered, or worse, ignored?
where was this good and loving Lord?

sometimes it seems the fate of a man
is to contemplate, not understand

when hope seems lost and tears run dry,
when exhausted minds stop wondering why
eyes turn north and look to see that
on golden streets, in Jesus' lap

HOPE ENDURES

written by Dr. Lu, one of Baby Hope's cardiologist

time for a trade in...

“Opting for the trade in offer…”

The last few days have been some of the most difficult days I have ever faced. Since losing Hope on Sunday evening, I haven’t been sleeping much at all because I am losing the battle to every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ and I can’t seem turn my brain/ thoughts off long enough to get any solid amount of sleep. This morning I was feeling pretty low and just wanted to stay in bed, cry, and be left alone completely. I was determined to rearrange my day, clear my schedule, graciously bow out of my commitments, and just sulk ALL day long. I wanted to cry it out and honestly was determined to be in a bad mood and pissed off about the circumstances we are currently facing. We were completely convinced that God would show up and show off His glory through healing our little Hope. Instead He has chosen to show His glory through her death. Although I know that God’s ways are higher than mine and His plans are perfect, I wanted to stew in my grief for a brief moment or all day long which ever came first.

But God had other plans because as soon as Jake left for work, the baby woke up and demanded her daily morning cuddles (which just so happens to be my favorite time of the day on most days). And so we took our blankies and began to snuggle in the recliner but instead of turning on the TV (I was in such a foul mood, I refused to stomach the “Wiggles”), we plugged my I-pod into the speakers and put it on shuffle. Music has an uncanny way of ministering to my heart in a way that I can’t even express. The first few songs that played were God ordained… “Every Season” by Nichole Nordeman and then “Times” by Tenth Avenue North. I love that song especially the part that says,

I hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
my love I will keep you by my power alone
I don’t care where you've fallen, where you have been
I’ll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends”

God completely broke my heart (and my determination to be in an ugly mood) with “Beauty for Ashes” by Shane and Shane. The lyrics of this beautiful song mirror the scripture found in Isaiah 61:2-4…. Which says “to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.” Through those verses and those lyrics God was offering a trade in deal I could not refuse…

beauty for ashes
a garment of praise for my heaviness
beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone and make it Yours,

I delight myself in the Richest of Fair
trading all that I’ve had for all that is better
a garment of praise for my heaviness
You are the greatest taste
You're the richest of fair

After listening to those songs and spending some time cuddling the most precious baby girl in the world, I became determined to face the day and whatever hurts and difficult moments it held. Only a fool would hold onto anger and despair when our loving God is offering healing, beauty, and gladness in its place. I hauled my booty to bible study and allowed God’s word to speak even more healing over my hurting heart. Hosea 6:1-3 offers more powerful healing promises, “Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."

This weekend is our annual Y-Shua Retreat with the students in our youth group. We go to this beautiful facility and stay in log cabins and take in some incredible scenery. It’s one of my favorite things we do with our youth group ALL year. This year theme is “TRADER” and we will be challenging our students to let go of things they are holding onto and trade those things in for what God is calling them to grab a hold of. Guess God had some things we wanted to speak over my heart about being a trader before the weekend even started!!

Lessons from Hope~ Heaven's newest angel baby

my sister had an amazing gift for written communication so I wanted to share a final update on Hope that she wrote.....

I apologize for the delay in getting out an update on Hope. It has taken me over 48 hours to be able to find the words. Sadly, I am learning that even for me (an inherent communicator), there are times when words do not come easy. I wanted to make my last update about Hope perfect...I wanted it to inspire, to encourage, and to fully encapsulate the spirit of our little princess warrior. But now I realize that there are no words that will ever do that little girl justice. No words can ever tell the story of how much she meant to her family (most of whom she never met); how many lives she impacted in the three short weeks she spent in a children's hospital in Michigan; and how long-lasting and significant we know her gifts to us will remain.

On Sunday, March 22, Hope was resting in the arms of her two grandma's in her hospital room while her mommy, daddy, and little brother Jonah were back at the hotel taking a nap. Without warning, she started turning blue and unfortunately not even a team of the country's most skilled doctors for this condition were able to save her life. Obviously, there is heartbreak . But what there is not is anger. Maybe it will come, as I know that grief manifests itself in strange ways. However, Hope's parents are choosing to focus on her legacy, knowing that there was a reason that God chose this path for her and only in time will that answer be revealed.

Tomorrow Aaron and Sara will meet with a team of doctors to "debrief". On Thursday there will be a memorial service in Michigan so that they can celebrate Hope's life with people who they've just recently met, yet have been their rock during this time in their lives. They will make long drive back to Kansas over the weekend and a memorial will be held in Wichita on Thursday. The tentative plan is for them to fly out to Seattle on Friday for Hope's burial service. After much deliberation, Aaron and Sara have decided to have Hope buried in Washington. It has always been their intention to move out to the Pacific Northwest, therefore they have decided to lay their daughter to rest here. Me, Scott, and the kids plan on taking a little field trip on Saturday across the Sound to the Hood Canal to seek out a tranquil and beautiful spot for our niece and cousin. Selfishly, I am comforted with the knowledge that Hope will be put to rest so close to us. I have visions of me and the kids planting flowers at her grave and singing her "Somewhere Out There"...a song that I used to sing to Aaron all the time when we were kids. I know that we never were able to meet her in the physical sense, but being trusted with such an awesome responsibility will be something that we will forever cherish. (Jake and I are also attempting to make arrangements to fly out to Seattle with Aaron and Sara so that our small tight knit family can stay goodbye together and celebrate the beauty of the Hope's life)

Over the last few days, we have experienced moments of God's grace illustrated in various ways: The joy of a two-year-old big brother who until now had been unable to even touch his baby sister, now being able to kiss all over her cheeks; the innocent candor of Sam who during his prayers on Sunday night said, "Dear God, Please help my baby cousin Hope to have FUN tonight in heaven!"; the healing that comes from laughing with a friend about her grandfather and Hope meeting in heaven and watching college hoops this weekend, with the strict instruction from me that under no circumstances is the North Carolina fan Papa to persuade Hope to stray from her Jayhawk roots (remember sweet Hope, Roy is evil :)). It is in these moments that strength is gained and clarity defined.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement over the last few months. I speak without reservation when I say that Aaron and Sara have been so lifted up by everyone's support. I am going to close with words from an email that Sara sent last Friday night after her and Aaron had went to dinner to celebrate their 5-year-anniversary. After enduring hospital cafeteria food for the last few weeks, Aaron wanted to get out of the hospital and enjoy a nice dinner. Imagine their surprise when nearly their entire meal was comped after the manager and owner learned the reason that they were in Michigan. Sara ended her story about their evening with the following paragraph.

We left amazed by yet another day that we were overwhelmingly blessed and cared for by God. I have never felt less control over my life nor more taken care of. Every single day we are reminded that He has not left us, such grace we have seen on our lives since we've been here. I think every day of my life has been filled with them but I had failed to acknowledge them until these days when I have no choice but to hope in them. We then went to the hospital to thank Hope for opening our eyes to a loving Father.

Straight from Grandma's arms into the arms of Jesus

Last night we got the phone call we have been dreading.... Hope suddenly took a turn for the worse and passed away early yesterday evening. She had been doing so incredibly well and was even stable enough to be moved into a "regular" room earlier that day. Aaron and Sara had left the hospital to put Jonah down for a nap and Hope's Grandma Mimi and Nana were enjoying some cuddle time with Hope when suddenly her heart stopped and a team of hospital staff rushed in to resuscitate her. Unfortunately their efforts we unsuccessful and our baby Hope went straight from Grandma's arms into the arms of Jesus. Aaron, Sara, and Jonah were able to spend some family time with Hope after she passed as they tried to say good-bye. What a difficult yet beautiful moment that was for them. Prior to last night, Jonah's time and ability to touch and cuddle his baby sister were extremely limited due to her risk of infection but last night he was free to hold and kiss his baby sister as much as his sweet little heart desired. Today they will begin the difficult process of planning for her funeral and making preparations to head home.

Thank you friends for all your love and support through out this process!!! Please continue to pray for us over the next few days as we grief the loss of our beautiful niece yet celebrate the beauty of the cross and it's promise that good-bye is not forever. It's hard not to let our minds wander to what Hope's life might have been. Knowing how AMAZING her parents are, I have no doubt she would have been such a beautiful person inside and out. But we know that the God of Hope works in ALL things for the good of those who love and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).

"Held" lyrics~ Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held