I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions this last two weeks. My heart has physically hurt with heart break, I have cried until I was numb and yet there have been moments of laughing so hard with my family that I couldn’t even speak, much less breathe. I have been amazed at the capacity of the human heart to love and let go, submit and surrender to God’s sovereignty, and forgive and give grace freely.
I have spent the last several months studying the book of Esther through a study by Beth Moore called “Esther- its tough being a woman”. About a week before baby Hope passed away, one of the day’s homework dealt with fear and in particular what we feared most. Beth encouraged those doing the study to safe to voice our worst nightmare to God and to trust Him. Not necessarily trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most but to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare becomes reality. We were asked to fill in the blank with our great fear. If (insert greatest fear ) then God’s going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me. Without even thinking, I filled in the blank with one of my biggest fears… losing someone I love. Little did I know, that one of my biggest fears was about to fall into my path. (After talking to a few others doing the study that also had their worst fears realized after doing that activity, I strongly suggest Beth Moore place a disclaimer on that day’s homework warning that if you may indeed be tested in this…) But over the last few weeks, as we have said goodbye to our precious 21 day old niece, God has been faithfully and proven that He will take care of us, He has a plan, desires/ purposes to accomplish something monumental in us, and He has definitely demonstrated His sufficiency even in the midst of severe suffering.
As much as I cherish God’s word, there are parts of the bible that really just annoy the crap out of me at times. I never fully understood how James could honestly say “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2-3) I have never been at the place in my faith journey where I can honestly say that I would welcome trials, testing, or suffering. Hindsight I can usually admit that what it developed within me made the suffering worth it. But I can’t say I am at the place in my life where I welcome testing and suffering with joy…. And yet the bible is full of examples of people who responded to suffering with joy and praise. I have always been amazed at a passage in Acts 16, where the apostle Paul had been stripped, beaten, flogged, and thrown in prison. Yet in the face of severe suffering (deeper than any I have ever known or probably will ever know), his response was one of PRAISE.
“They brought them before the magistrates and said, "These men are Jews, and are throwing our city into an uproar by advocating customs unlawful for us Romans to accept or practice." The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten. After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.”
Reading those passages many times, I have always wondered “really? Who does that? Who in their right mind can be in the midst of suffering singing praise?” The night before Hope’s memorial service I saw a living example of that kind of praise filled response to human suffering. My brother had asked two worship leaders to lead us in some worship songs at Hope’s service. These guys (both ironically serving as worship leaders at churches in Wichita named HOPE) had never met so Aaron invited them over to his apartment to meet each other, pick out songs, and practice the night before the service. And for literally HOURS, these guys sat in Aaron’s living room just singing praise to the God who had given us baby Hope and who had also chosen to take her away from us. And there was my little brother who was about to lay to rest his precious baby girl, just SINGING HIS HEART OUT!!! We were working on the final arrangements/details for the memorial service (ironing clothes, writing the Eulogy, putting the finishing touches on Hope’s shadow box and painting) and our background noise was heart filled worship from a hurting father about to say good-bye to infant daughter. When most parents would be questioning God or just grieve stricken, my brother chose to instead respond with praise to our good God, which was eerily similar to Paul’s response in Acts. I have never been MORE proud of someone than I am of my brother right now.That night before Hope’s service, I literally feel asleep ABOUT MIDNIGHT listening to several Godly men PRAYING AND SINGING HYMNS TO GOD! That night, I slept like a baby for the first night in over a week and I will cherish that night for the rest of my life.
“About Midnight” lyrics~ Sarah Kelly
At about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name
I need you beside me
Through these seasons of change
At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song
Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Where the past meets today
Where the past meets today
Seasons come and they go
Seasons come and they go like the night
Because you are with me
Things will turn out alright
At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song
Here in the valley
Shadows lead the way
Yes I know that you're with me now
I don't understand this path I'm on
Like I'm looking down at the sun
All turned around again
All turned around again
At about midnight
Awaiting the dawn
I'll find contentment
Singing your song
So at about midnight I'll call
At about midnight I'll call out your name
I love Easter and being reminded at this time of the year of the resurrection power of our God!! In Philippians 3:10 Paul says, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death“ I think most believers (myself included) are all about taping into the power of the resurrection yet none of us REALLY want to sign up to share in the suffering. But as someone who has been living in a season of suffering the last few weeks, I can honestly say that there is great joy, contentment, and even fellowship filled moments of belly laughs in the “about midnight” moments of life!!
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